Arnold Schwarzenegger is no stranger to the various incarnations of the apocalypse. His movie past has seem him battle against genocidal machines, Satan and perhaps most noteworthy - managing to survive the portrayal of Batman And Robin villain ‘Doctor Freeze’ completely unscathed. Now the Governor is forced to confront (as reported by CNN) what lawmakers have coined ‘financial Armageddon’.
Tuesday’s special vote to tackle the $22.3 billion state debt, saw five out of six proposed fiscal contingency plans rejected by Californians:
“Tonight, we have heard from the voters, and I respect the will of the people who are frustrated with the dysfunction in our budget system. We face a staggering deficit, and in order to prevent a fiscal disaster, Democrats and Republicans must collaborate and work together to address this shortfall. The longer we wait, the worse the problem becomes and the more limited our choices will be.”
Sources close to the Governor have revealed that local government has been seen working with the Fox network in an unconventional plan to address the pressing budget issue and the negative response received from network’s Fall schedule.
Drawing inspiration from his 1987 movie The Running Man, Fox’s I’m A Convicted Felon…Get Me Out Of Here! is a new reality show wherein convicted felons are given the chance to run to freedom - but have to elude the stalkers; men who hunt them down and kill them in gruesome manners.
“If they are non-serious or non-violent, non-sex offenders, we could save in general funds about $53 million in 2009 to 2010. Nearly half of the prisoners who might be freed are illegal immigrants.” Schwarzenegger said. “Releasing all the undocumented immigrant prisoners to network custody could save us another $182 million for 2009 to 2010.”
The plan so far has been well received, particularly by Lance Corcoran of the California Correctional Peace Officers Association (CCPOA):
“The reality is - people don’t get to the California prison system by accident, and most of our offenders have nine felony convictions before they have ever seen the inside of the prison.”
The latest incarnation of Get Me Out Of Here! is expected to premiere August 28th.
6 months ago
Sources in the Central Asia have this week revealed a new government plan for an ‘alien embassy’ to be constructed in Kazakhstan. Local media reports that the project is currently in the developmental stages - a large portion of land near the city of Almaty having been recently rezoned for this purpose.
The structure is expected to include a large landing pad designed to accommodate most class two extra terrestrial craft, a five star luxury hotel as well as a translation service.
Kazakhstan is historically a hotspot for alien sightings, currently believed to be making use of an underwater space port deep in the Caspian sea. Experts are under the belief that ‘visitors’ are generally attracted to the area due to it’s rich mineral resources - and comparitively relaxed human rights policies which allow greater freedom for human experimentation.
Paranormal enthusiasts worldwide from Tom Cruise to abductee Louis Striebe are praising Kazakhstan for their forward thinking.
Battlefield: Earth star, John Travolta is also rumored to be applying for citizenship in Asian republic.
6 months ago
A remote controlled toy helicopter flew into India’s heavily-fortified national parliament on Wednesday, sparking a high security alert.
“The one-foot-long Chinese-made toy whizzed over the high walls of Parliament House in New Delhi and landed in its forecourt at about 11am, setting off security alarms. Security analists have yet to release a statement as to whether the invasion force was intended as a prank, or a test of existing security protocols.”
Indian military officials are today scheduled to enter into negotiations with military supplier Hasbro, expected to order up to fifty hundred units of G.I Joe’s Dragonhawk defence helicopter.
The Dragonhawk’s offensive capabilities include three missile launchers above each landing skid, twin 60 mm cannons, and a Gatling gun located just below and in front of the cockpit. Defensive capabilities include rotating each turbine to face opposite directions to activate an energy shield that repels both lasers and missiles.
7 months ago
Citizens should already be familiar with the fearsome Somali pirates occupying the Indian ocean. Last year over one hundred and sixty vessels were captured, the group extorting ransoms of up two million dollars for their release.
Recent reports from the Northern hemisphere are beginning to shed light on a new threat based in the North Atlantic. Consequent to a boon in alternative farming pursuits - struggling Norwegian villagers from the southern provinces are now embracing their violent heritage and returning to the high seas to rape and pillage the surrounding coasts.
The leader of their group, Olaf The Unshaven, today released a video stating their cause - however receiving nations were unable to view his demands at the realisation he failed to remove the lense cap.
Clad in modern day faux animal fur and sporting replica spathas, the neo-Norseman appear at this point to offer nothing more than brief comical relief for neighboring coast guard patrols.
Citizens are reminded that any Viking sightings are best referred to your local law authority.
7 months ago
Kevin Rudd has today announced yet another revision to his revolutionary national education policy. The amendments take the existing ‘One Laptop Per Child’ policy to new lengths, promising that every Australian zygote is to be provided with an entry level computer with specialised internet access.
The programme would be aimed at augmenting the neural development during the second and third trimester of pregnancy with means of tripling the prospective IQ levels, when compared to previous generations. The three phase plan is aimed at creating a new super-species of human capable of bending space and time through sheer will.
The controversial decision quickly came under fire from religious and community organisations, concerned about the negative impact internet material might have on children of such an impressionable age.
“I’d just think I’d rather be judged on the merits of the alternative vision I put out for the country’s future. Australia is at a critical point in it’s financial and technical development. If we’re concerned about long term economic prosperity, it has to be built on the back of productivity growth and the most effective way of building productivity growth is to invest in human cattle…er…capital.” (Kevin Rudd)
Social networking sites have already begin to adopt new marketing angles targeted at the new demographic - neonates.com having already registered by Facebook creator, Mark Zuckerber.
The national rollout is expected to commence July 25th.
7 months ago
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Stay safe Citizen!
7 months ago
